"You're just like an angel, skin makes me cry.

You float like a feather in a beautiful world. I wish I was special. You're so fucking special." -Radiohead.

I need you. Not only you, but I need all of you. I need from you the strength to stand strong and willing to step forward. I need your embrace and your remarkable smile. Leave with me your tact, your immortality, your heat, and your pressure. Please Athea, wake up and come alive again.

"And well I, don't wanna fall in love. No, I., don't wanna fall in love... with you." -Chris Isaak.

Nicole, I just can't bring myself to inhale. It's like there is this painstaking pressure that is preventing one breath. And to think I even said that in the truck.

You give me one person, just one person that really knows who I am anymore. Give me that one person so I can ask them if I am worthy of such capabilities. Am I crushing under my own weakness?

If I am pulled and tugged every which way anymore.... I am going to snap.

I wake up crying. And it's not that I'm sad... I'm angry and am trying to chanel this demon a much more productive way.

So, fuck you. (D.West)

I'm breaking.

I know that if I continue with this exoskeleton... people can no longer take advantage of me. "If I cry, I show weakness, and opening for disaster."

What am I trying to really prove? What do I want? What makes me happy? How can I pose a greater threat to myself? Who is strong enough for me? Fast enough for me? Who is willing to show me their greatness?

I need you. Please for fuck sake.... take me, look me in the eyes and tell me that I need to come back. Show me, please, that I am worth every ounce of your integrity. Most of all, stop me.

And then, there was me.

Today I find myself at a standing point confused, angry, and still tormented. And the villain doing the finger pointing, is me. Refreshing it was to hear from my lips that I, Athea am really trying to channel this anger into a much more productive energy.

I told him...."I am at least recognizing this flaw and am constantly rushing a release of relaxation." And then I asked him, "Do you ever really turn off your heart? How do you stop feeling? Do you really expect someone to rebuttal within themselves and close off every portion of their entirety completely?" The impression I received was that, I need to sort of become numb to certain idea's, memories, influences, passion, and my own Delores West.

Today I admitted more truth to someone I can trust then I ever have in my life. Though it was a simple 10 minutes of constant rambling..... for that 10 minutes, I got to let go..... not really let go, but recognize that I am not without fault. I leave the analyzing up to him, and pray that he takes my open heart with refusal.

Today I realize that I have the most control of my life. Today I realize that I have the potential to kick, fight, a pursue. This time is now my own, for I am my greatest victory. Inside of my babies' eyes are a solid glimpse of gratitude. They are telling me with every kiss and hug that they need me to support them, stay strong for them, and provide for them. I can do this.